volcanoes melt you down ➴ peeta

[burnwithus]

Every time she settles down to sleep, there's the feeling of being grabbed that shakes her awake. The Peacekeepers are her new nightmare fodder, not that Katniss was lacking in that department. It's really the only thing that she's thought about since they've returned home, the memories of screaming for Gale to shoot her hitting too close to home. Like everything is an echo.

He didn't, though. The deal Katniss had made with him did not apply to this version of Gale, just as she never quite knows how to act around this Peeta, unbroken and whole after being resigned to the reality of losing him for so long. All of the rules have changed, and she's stuck in the middle of it all, trying to adapt.

Trying is the operative word.

It's late. She's not sure how late, but the night air has the sort of stinging chill that only comes in the small hours of the night. Possibly foolish to be walking around at this hour, but she has her bow and her ears are as good as ever. Briefly, Katniss wonders if Jason's somewhere out there, now that she knows that he's watching her.

A twig snaps somewhere behind her, back to a cozy-looking house with lit windows. Katniss whips around, every muscle already tensed and only relaxes when she sees a flash of blonde hair, even by the pale light of the moon.

"Peeta?"

As always, there was a twist in her stomach when she sees him, of emotions she couldn't quite disentangle even if she were up to the momentous task of doing so. "What are you doing here?"

Comments

[ourshinycity]

Recently Peeta has come to remember how much he enjoyed the feeling of flour. The way that it got stuck under his fingernails and got caught in his hair. Working in the bakery reminded him of all of the good things about growing up (the bad things hung around but his mother wasn't here and hopefully never would come here) which was a double-edged sword.

He hadn't been expecting to run into Katniss, but he stopped hand in one of his pockets and pointed lamely in the direction he had been headed. "I was taking the long way back to the Boarding House," he explained. "What are you doing here?"

[burnwithus.livejournal.com]

"I couldn't sleep," she says it casually like it's normal , to be expected, even, because she hasn't slept in days. And in a way, it is. Nobody knows her nightmares like Peeta does, if only because he shares them too. Or he used to, though she's not sure about anything anymore. Katniss shifts, hiking the quiver higher up onto her shoulder as she glances down at where Peeta was pointing. This was where he lived; she hadn't known that before.

It nearly hurts, somehow. That he feels like a stranger now.

There's flour in his hair. Katniss' eyes are sharp. She notices that too, files the image away in her mind because she's not quite sure what to do with it. He's working, at least. Keeping busy. Maybe that's the best thing for all of them to do.

[ourshinycity]

It was normal. Or it had been once upon a time. He remembered those nights vividly. The way that neither could sleep but somehow managed to scrape a few hours when together. Sleep had been difficult for him here as well, with the easiness of it coming and going depending on the week. There was a time when he had been able to sleep through the night. When he wouldn't wake in cold sweats.

That was a long time ago.

"Oh," he nodded knowingly, scuffing the ground with his foot. "Is there anything I can do?"

[burnwithus.livejournal.com]

Of course he would ask. Even though he was angry with her, even though she didn't quite know what the score between them was. There were times when Katniss wished that Peeta Mellark was not so damn good all the time. It only made it worse when she thinks about some of the things she's done to him. There's a clench of guilt that feels like a fist in her chest as she swallows painfully and looks away for a moment.

She is not a timid girl and never has been, not when being bold was the only way to survive. Katniss doesn't know any other way to live. So it isn't timidness but shame that's seeping through her body right now, causing her to be momentarily lost for words. Not that she's much of a talker on a normal basis.

"It's...fine. I don't want to be a burden," her arms are across her chest, but not as a sign for him to keep out. It's more her subconscious way of trying to hold herself together - although not quite literally as displayed.

[ourshinycity]

"You're not a burden, Katniss."

He was too tired to have this argument. He knew how it ended: with guilt and sadness on both of their parts. It was the burden of surviving, of trying to stay alive despite it all. Peeta wanted so much for her, wished that he could be the person to give her what she deserved. So much had happened, to both of them and also to only her that he didn't know where to do start. He had been a coward for slipping away from it, but it was his chance and he had wanted to snatch it.

There was something different about her. It was more than the shared weakness of insomnia. He couldn't quite place it. "How long has it been since you slept?"

[burnwithus.livejournal.com]

Showing weakness was something that Katniss couldn't stand for a very long time, even if all of her fronts had all but faded during her stint in 13, wandering around with a silver medical bracelet around her wrist. Mentally disoriented. It was different around Peeta, for some reason. Maybe it was because of the fact that she'd seen him at his worst for the Games, lying helpless in a cave. Or maybe because given what they've been through, there wasn't any room for walls.

Katniss had constructed them anyways. She regrets it now. No more lies.

She shifts uncomfortably, one hand putting pressure on her temple. "I'm not sleeping anymore," it's alright after a few days when she finally passes out from exhaustion alone, because then there are no dreams. "Can't."

There's also the problem of having to tell him about 12 - or more important, would he want to know? Hadn't Peeta made it abundantly clear that he didn't want to? It was probably easier for him not to so that he could go on and live a normal life on the island, and be happy. She wonders if he would get angry if she left something out again, but then again, he'd asked her to.

Katniss really doesn't know anymore.

[ourshinycity]

Her answer didn't surprise him. He had enough trouble sleeping himself, which was a large part of the reason that he was glad to have a reason to wake up early in the morning. Peeta took a nap in the middle of the day, but he kept his sleep down to small chunks of time. It was easier that way, keeping the nightmares that haunted him just as they haunted her away.

There was a time when he would've offered her comfort through the act of letting her share his bed. Together they would've keep the nightmares at bay, but somehow he didn't think that would go over so well now. One look at her told him how tired she was, how much she need more than whatever she managed to snag and he hated himself for not being able to give it to her.

Taking a step closer, he placed his hands on her shoulders. "You can't forgo sleep forever. You won't make it very long," he said stating a fact they both knew very well. "Come with me, we'll figure it out, okay? Even just for tonight."

[burnwithus.livejournal.com]

She wonders what this sudden rush of concern for her well-being is, utterly confusing for a girl used to protecting everyone around her. Of course, there had been some measure of that in District 13, but that was other people deciding what was best for her. Doing things because losing her would not be in their best interests. Everyone had their own agendas, and maybe for just a split second, Katniss wonders what Peeta's is.

But then she's disgusted with herself. After all, hadn't Peeta proven himself to be the least duplicitous of all of them? He'd lied to the audience in their first Games, but his lies were rooted in the truth. Or at least, they had been. That particular truth was gone now. After all they've been through, he's the one that she should be trusting the most.

She still wants to push him away, though. For his own good. Even though Katniss is very well aware that this makes her exactly like the people from 13, deciding that for everyone else without their input. It's not even that she considers herself better than everyone else. It's just her history of being the sole provider for her family stepping in.

There's also the fact that this feels strangely...wrong on her part, even though the defensive side of Katniss flares up at the idea, because she and Gale are just friends. The same was with Peeta, wasn't it? The borders were very heavily defined. It's just her mind slipping in pieces of doubt.

Katniss swallows and winces because it feels like thistles in her throat, raw from screaming. "I thought you wanted to stay away from me," she says evenly, no accusations or emotions behind it. Just a simple statement of the facts. It feels vaguely like pity, and even though this is Peeta and she owes him more than she'll ever be able to pay back, Katniss still isn't comfortable with the idea of pity.

[ourshinycity]

When it came to her, Peeta had never been all that concerned for his well-being. He knew better than to follow Katniss along when she got stubborn over things like this. If she had her way, then he would never see her again. He might be mad at her, frustrated with her evasiveness and the fact that she had lied to him and then kept sharing more but he wasn't not going to just turn his back on her. That wouldn't be fair at all.

"I just..." he started before trailing off, taking a deep breath and exhaling roughly. Staying away was probably better. He was working on moving forward, on having a future of his choosing. This might end up with him back in a place where he didn't really want to be. "I have to figure things out. There's this girl." He stopped again, having no idea why he had brought Claire up. She was on his mind for certain but there was no need for her to be talked about now.

Maybe he just felt that he couldn't keep that from Katniss. Not after all that they had been through. Slowly shaking his head, he found a place to start again. "Just because I don't want to know anything about the future back there doesn't mean I am going to let you be in pain. I can't do that."